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Thursday, January 27, 2011

How could we know?

I've been thinking so much lately about where I want to be in the next 5 years.  Being happily married, healthy, happy kids, a career.... I thought that would be enough.  Maybe I've grown selfish, but I want to see the world.  I want culture at my fingertips.  I want to walk the marketplace in Morocco, and drink espresso in Paris.  I want to visit a trunk show in Milan, and pick grapes for wine in Italy.  I want to stroll through Central Park, and swim in the Dead Sea; fish in Alaska, and get in a fight with a futbol player in some scrubby bar in England.  I want the good and the bad that the world has to offer.  I want the fine details of every country, city, slum.

On top of all that, I've been feeling so weak lately.  There is so much out there to do, and so many people to help and I've done nothing.  I've sat here and taken my life for granted and done nothing to help another human being in real need.  Who the hell do I think I am, just sitting here?

I want to go to Haiti and help build an expansion of the jail facility so that the man that stole a chicken doesn't have to share space with the man that killed his wife and kids.  I want to help rebuild homes that were lost and homes for those that always needed one.  Cleaning up the slums would be a magnificent feat, and then we could begin counseling programs and re-education programs for those that had to leave school.  On top of all that was lost, many young girls that lost their families were soon raped and beaten after being left alone, living in tents now instead of houses.  Lives are lost everyday and children are getting corrupted.  It makes me wonder what the hell someone like Oprah is doing buying another 50-room/43 bathroom home.  The square feet in her newest home equals the square footage of the entire city of Chicago!  ALL OF CHICAGO!  That's ridiculous.  Rich people are sick.

There's so much more that I can talk about doing, but I'm still here.  I'm still not doing anything yet.  Yet.  That is a key element in that sentence.  I believe I can still make the world a better place and improve my life, my inner being, a little more everyday.  It will take time and plenty of effort, but I am willing to try.

As far as my resolutions go:


  • I've lost a few pounds
  • I'm exercising 5-6 days a week
  • I am reading This Is Where I Leave You
  • I got a new job and I'm much happier there

Things are looking up.  Everyday I will reflect on who I am and who I'm going to be and move forward.
Until next time, enjoy a little Joshua Bell.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Fists up

So I am down to 161-162, depending on if i just ate! haha... That's a start.  I did only start dieting, really, Monday. I had began counting calories at the end of last semester but that didn't last throughout the holidays.  But now, I have a program on my phone and I have been easily inputting everything I eat and it's become really simple.  I also found out tons of ways to cut calories in half when eating pasta.  If you're using long, flat, wide noodles then get zuchinni and, with a peeler, peel away at the veggie until it's in a bunch of long strips, similar to the pasta and then throw those in half of your bowl and you go from 400 calories/bowl, to 180 depending on your pasta sauce.
Ravioli:  In place of the pasta in between layers,  use a large slice of eggplant every other layer.  It will be really good for you and taste really good, too!
Spaghetti:  Fork out the inside of a spaghetti squash and use that in place of half of your spaghetti noodles.

The best part of all this is that you don't have to feed everyone else your substitute.  I can feed the kids regular noodles, just the way they like it, and my man can have the same.  I can heat up the substitute on the side and just add it in my bowl along with noodles.  Pretty neat, huh?

I also discovered these probiotic unbleached flour tortillas.  They're really big, burrito sized, and I fill them with either 1/3 cup of black beans or corn that I've warmed up with mushrooms, then I top it off with avocado, sprouts, and freshly diced tomatoes and onion.  It's about 400 calories, total so it's a great dinner or if you half it, it can be a light lunch and snack for later.  Either way it tastes really good when you season it with Cavender's greek seasoning, and pepper, for any meal.

So, I've been jogging everyday, trying new ab workouts, and I tried a new machine yesterday and it burned double the calories, so I'm not just going to jog, I'm going to do that ski jogging machine from now on as well.  Tomorrow, I also start my Yoga class, which I'm really excited about.  I need to get an estimate for the damage on my car and then I'll feel free to buy the website registration for my online magazine.  I'm trying really hard not to cuss, Jeff and I are getting along well, at least these past couple of days.  You never know with us.  I finished my book Comes a Horseman about 2 weeks ago and I began to read another book called, This is Where I Leave You.  It's really good and I haven't gotten to the 4th chapter yet!

I am going to be really optimistic about this coming year.  I have a lot of choices to make and this year is definitely the year to make them.  Let's hope for the best and always send me your love and support. It helps so much to have such amazing friends.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Bigger person

Once again, I was so angry and sad because of Jeff but I extended a hand to him and asked him out.  It worked this time.  We had a great time with Phoenix at Texas Roadhouse, and then Grandpa Larry babysat while we went to two different features at The Alamo Drafthouse.  I'm happy that it finally worked.  He apologized about not coming home, about running away, I guess.  ::sigh:: baby-steps, guys.  I gotta take baby-steps.  The good news is we're still in love with eachother.  Ridiculously in love with each other and by that I mean, that we love each other so much but we're both ridiculous.

So, I went shopping yesterday.  I love shopping.  I bought new kids' clothes for all three babes, yoga clothes and a mat for my new class, some dresses and jeans for me, shoes for Jeff, makeup.... yeah I had a lot of fun.  It was all stuff we needed, though.  The boys were out of pants, so was Reagan, they are so  big now, and Jeff's shoes were covered in holes, I don't have a single pair of pants that fit me, and I needed yoga stuff for my class.

I will update tomorrow after I work out.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Progress.... Maybe not

So I seem to think that my relationship is being pulled apart at the seams. Jeff seems to be pushing me away when there is something real presented to us and then he wants to be close when I bite my tongue or when there is nothing to be said.  He seems very happy to be sitting still but when there is chance for us to progress to anything better he stops it in its tracks.

He leaves, goes out and doesn't come home.  That's become his "thing" lately.  How sad and terrible it feels to be wondering about what is going on.  He leaves when I don't have a phone to call him.  I lost my phone recently and now, knowing I can't call him, he bolts!  How wrong, to do something like that, to someone you say you love so much.  I feel like he's going through a mini-mid-life-crisis.  I don't know.  But I'm going out today for shopping and I'm going to hang out with some friends and keep my mind clear of him, just for the day.

Well, I'm eating well, and I've been jogging out in the cold.  The cold is totally not my bag, baby.  I'm paying my surcharges today online, getting a new phone, paying Planet Fitness so I don't have to jog in the cold anymore, and buying some clothes for the kids.  After that, I'm having a drink somewhere.  Big day, today.

I better get started.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Not the end of the world

I've had a hectic and sad last few days.  It's been really hard.  When your relationship seems to be going strong and you hit a bump so hard it can take two weeks to fix.

I'm still angry about what happened on New Year's.  I was left alone and it was really heart wrenching.  But my friends all wanted to save me and a few did.  It was an amazing sight, really; to see how many people cared about me.  I had fun this weekend, however, coming home and facing reality of the situation was really hard.  I did it, and it sucked, and of course, I cried.  It's days later and it's been awkward and I'm still angry and saddened by the entire thing, but I'm not letting it get me completely down.

I'm almost done with my book, Comes A Horseman and it's fantastic.  It's keeping me busy and my brain is occupied.  Work has been extremely slow but it just gives me more time to read.  I've been cussing.  Definitely, so that's a downer, but I have plenty of time to get better.  I haven't weighed myself so don't know if I've slimmed down, but I'm eating well.  I'm not concerned about a wedding date or anything like that.

Soon I'll have my financial aid money and I'll recieve my tax return soon, as well, so I'll put the proper amount of money aside to save and spend the rest on getting myself together.

Now, what's for dinner?