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Friday, December 31, 2010

What a difference a day makes

24 little hours. 

However, it was substantially less than 24 hours that passed since my latest blog and I feel like what I wanted can't be. 

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Glass Of Wine

A glass of wine and a getting into a really fantastic part of my book is a wonderful way to spend my nights.  It's really quite the sight to see my step-son and myself, together on the couch reading and listening to Sviatoslav Richter.  Reagan has already gone to bed and my son Aiden Phoenix is, sadly, in McAllen.  He shall return, as glorious as ever! by Monday so he can be ready for school on Tuesday.

They're already going back to school!  It's only been about two weeks.  I remember being out for Winter break for three weeks or more.  Well, I don't have classes till the 18th.  I can't wait!

Off to finish a few more chapters and then the Sandman will take me away for the night.

Tomorrow is payday.  Another glorious thing to look forward to.

First day

From yesterday to today, I haven't noticed myself saying any cuss words! At least, I didn't today.  I read at least, 8 chapters of Comes a Horseman, I'm almost done writing a story for my magazine's first issue in February.  February is when I want the first issue out online.  Even if it's terrible!  Even if it looks completely mediocre, I want some progress.  I want to lay it out, then move on and improve.

It's going to happen.  I already looked at online sites where I can register my domain name and business email, and it's fairly inexpensive.  I read into advertisement agencies that work with new or old sites, and so there would be a big way to make a little profit.

It's going to be grand.  I just know it!

Weight: same
Reading: underway
Website: to be continued
exercise today?: no... not today.

However, I'm going to start my normal 5 day a week run and workout routine as soon as I can pay Planet Fitness what I owe them.  Then it will be easy, like it was before.  I'll drop my son off at school and head straight to the gym.   This feeling of getting somewhere.... I really hope it lasts.

We, as adults, tend to forget a good feeling when we need it the most; to push us towards where we need to be.  It's easier for us to work hard at blocking out those things that bother us, whether it be experiences in the past, current financial issues, relationship issues....  you name it.  We find a way to sabotage ourselves, don't we?  Why is that?  We are often brought down by other people we surround ourselves with.  We all have had that jealous friend, or that treacherous ex, and we've all felt the stinging pain of heartbreak, solitude, distress and detachment.  Why would we fail ourselves when every new year we have a chance at a new beginning, with a feeling of excitement that can give us the strength to do somersaults and climb mountains?

I have this feeling in my gut; in my heart.  I am excited to be me!  I hope that this feeling trails with me and helps me push myself to getting through this year accomplished and enchanted.  When it leaves, there seems to be a stygian hue left that just brings me down.  I'm really hoping.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

New year and a new plan

So it has begun... the time for resolutions!  I'm ready.  Starting today this blog is no longer just a spot for me to whine and pine about family and lack of funds for just about everything.  Today this blog is a countdown to next Christmas and a progress report of all that I wish to accomplish this year.  What better way to throw it in my own face?  yay?  I think.

Oh! Come on, Jax!  I can do this.  Every year I make excuses as to why I can't follow through or why I should focus on something or someone else.  This is going to be the year where I make a full step towards who I'm going to be when I "grow up."  It's time to grow up.

Next December, I hope to have....NO! I will have my magazine online, and making money.  I will weigh at least 20lbs less, I will continue to be active at least 5 days a week, I will stop cussing so much and I will already have a date for my wedding.  Okay, okay... let's bullet this.

You know it's serious when bullets are involved.

My resolutions/promises/goals/must-have for 2011:

  • Magazine will be online, running, with fans and will have be making an income
  • I will weigh at least 140lbs (I currently weigh 162lbs.)
  • I will have an exercise routine that I follow through with at least 5 days a week
  • I will cuss less
  • There will be a set date for the wedding
  • I will wake up by 6am, Mon-Friday
  • I will read at least 1 book/month
  • Jeffery and I will live in a house....not a duplex/townhouse/apt or other
  • I will have at least $3,000 saved 
  • I will have a bank account for Azure Austin and/or Geek Chic Productions
This seems like too much... but it's not.  Really, if you think about it I'm on the brink of most all of this.  I was already working out 5 days a week only months ago.  Cussing less should be a must around the babes in my house.  Setting a date for the wedding would come with having some money put away for such an event.  Waking up at 6am should be easy.  The kids have school and I'll have to discipline myself to sleep at a reasonable time and moving into a house that we rent, shouldn't be a big deal either.  Our lease is up in March so we need to find a bigger place anyhow.  Having a bank account for my companies should be easy after I get the magazine online.  Lastly, reading a book a month should already be a priority.  I used to be an avid reader and I've become lazy.  No more time to be lazy.  

So there it is.  As of today this is the blog that will help me become a better and more successful person.  I need a positive attitude.  I need support and love and I need to find ways to manage stress that don't involve being depressed and watching movies on the couch for hours on end.  If I were to be more active then it would make it so much easier for me to get up and go when I need to.  

I once had the drive to do anything.  My spirit was so broken for so long.  I'm ready to be better now.  I'm ready to be a better partner to Jeff, better mother to the kids, a better student, and overall a better human being.  I am ready to prove to myself that I deserve all the things I dream of.  It's time to prove that all those dreams can be a reality.  It's going to be hard work.  I've thrown myself into so many terrible habits, but as the days pass by I believe it can only get better.  

If you want to do this with me then let me know.  We can partner up, blog to blog.  Everyone could use a little support.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas over, New Year's to come

Well, the potluck was a success!  It was a really great time and it was a reminder of how many great friends I have, and how wonderfully blessed I am to have Jeffery and my kids.

I was, however, starting to feel sick the days before Christmas day and now, of course, with all the drinking I did I am full-on-sick.  Feeling feverish, sneezing, coughing up an ample amount of disgusting mucus which feels more like fungus growing in my upper chest..... well.... life is good, eh?

I'll be fine.  I had to call in today, and I followed that by laying the on the couch ALL DAY.  Really, I felt that terrible.  I sunk into the couch the way that Ewan McGregor's character in Trainspotting sunk into the floor on that wannabe vintage rug.  I wasn't on drugs, of course, but I felt like my head was detached from my body.  I curled up, contently, wrapped myself in a brand new scarf from Delia's that Jasmine lovingly gave me for Christmas and I fell in and out of sleep until about 2 hours ago.  My body is aching, head is aching, I'm hot then I'm freezing cold... I really couldn't bring myself to get to work.  I just couldn't.  I can hardly speak, as well.  Hurting all over.  I want to take a bath but I can't even bring myself to do that.


Well, overall life is good.  I'm blessed and I will wake up feeling better soon enough.

And even though my life is one to appreciate, there have been some disappointing and upsetting bumps lately.  So much about life is that way, but I try my best to see the rest; to see all the things that I could so easily pass by and fail to recognize or appreciate.  I hope it's enough to sail me through this next year.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mulled Wine and Hot Cider

So the Xmas party is coming up and I couldn't be more thrilled!  I'll be cooking, and I'll be making mulled wine, eggnog and maybe some Cider.  Mmmmmm.... I really can't wait!  It's going to be a fantastic time.  White Elephant, food, fun, music.... the works.  And I will be surrounded by my family and the most amazing friends.  Merriest Christmas ever.

Jeff and I have been arguing lately.  Mainly about the kids and their behavior.  This has been a rough month, but we're definitely getting through it.  He's being very sweet at the moment and I'm learning to not be mad for over a day.  It's silly.  We have a life together.  A really really grand life together.  Yes! Living in this duplex near the train tracks sucks, Yes! his ex wife is fake and manipulative and the worst to deal with, Yes! we never have enough money, but we have so much love between us, and, like I said before, the greatest group of friends.  It's an amazing support system.

Money isn't everything.  Our life together is held together by all the suffering we've felt together, and the lower we fall, the harder we work to helping eachother back up the mountain.  The kids don't always have the best attitudes, but we share them with another family and it gets difficult for them.  However, the kids are beautiful, happy and healthy and we just have to be stronger for them.  It's really difficult.  I can do it with Jeff, though.  I woke up today feeling so bright and happy.  It's going to be a really wonderful day.

It's going to be the merriest Christmas.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Mrs. Clean vs. Mrs. Clause

The house was a disaster.  A tornado of :cuss: ran through this place.  I still have an immense amount of laundry to put away but I'd rather have a beer.  Is that a crime?  I think not.

The house now smells of caramel, cashmere and Clorox.  It's pretty  delicious in here.  I'm loving it.  Not in a greasy McDonald's Big Mac, fatty kind of joy.... it's a pure joy.
"This house is clean."

Now... Christmas.  We haven't even put the christmas tree up yet!  Drives me crazy!  Jeffery is more concerned with other stuff, and one of us definitely needs to be.... however, I love the smell of Christmas trees in my house. I love looking at it and decorating it and waking up to it every morning.  I made a bodacious wreath.  I love it! Everyone has told me that it looks like I bought it that way!  Fabulous.  I'm about to put together the gingerbread house and then the kids and I are going to decorate it.

Today was a tiring day... but it's been really serene, even though I've been a little on edge.  Does that make sense?  I'm really happy to be alive today even though I'm not showing my appreciation.

Off to gumdrops and frosting!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Perfect little piece of plastic

So I realized that after January, I'll be able to actually afford my own wedding.  Fantastico!  This is a dream!  but if I were to pay for said wedding, then I don't know if I could afford the new family car we desperately need and want from my father.  If it isn't one thing, it's another.  Deep sighs.... yes... sighs all around.  Boo hoo! and all that good stuff.  I'm a frustrated woman, but I look around and I really do have a wonderful life.  I have opportunities, I just have to acknowledge them.  I have a future, college education, beautiful children and a man, that, at times, may pull a jackass stunt or two, still loves me always and will forever.  I'm enchanted, day in and day out.  It's really a dream.

We have no money, so it's not my greatest dream, but it's something I always wished for and hoped for.  I have to get my career going and that takes money, as well.  I will have to sell some things.  I will have to look through my clothes and see what I can get for each piece I have.  I will have to have a sale, and sell a bunch of stuff we have in the garage.  I've got to get it together! I'm determined.  I can do this.

Jeff will have to push for this as well.  It's the time for us to make the hardest decisions we've ever had to make.  We have to get in shape, earn more money, and be more productive.  I know we can do it.  It's just a matter of how we're going to get out of the act of being exhausted all the time.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The sign says STOP

I was hit by a car this morning.  I'm fine.  No worries there.  But there is another thing to add to my list of troubles.  I sound like I'm whining, but if you can't whine and complain on your own personal blog, then where the hell is it safe to do such things?  Necessary things.

He passed the stop sign, and I'm used to my Toyota that is being fixed right now, the horn is the center of the steering wheel.  I went for the center of the steering wheel and didn't realize the horn "buttons" in the Dodge Dynasty I was driving were on the bottom of the steering wheel so I couldn't honk myself to safety.

My fiancé always says that I must have done something in a former life, killed thousands of people or something terrible, because people pass red lights and hit me, stop signs... hit me, I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time at the bar and BLAM! someone hits me trying to reach the guy 2inches to my right.  How dissapointing, a life where I'm always to fear the worst of each day.

To top it off,  my fiancé didn't come home Friday (he spent the night at his dad's with my son), and then didn't come home yesterday because he drank too much at band practice.  I hardly got any sleep because he wasn't there.  I'm sore and tired, and just fed up really.  I despise mornings, I really really do.  And now I have to deal with such crap before the day has really had a chance to begin.

Alright, no more crying and whining.  There is still a chance the day can be salvaged, still a chance that my day can turn itself around.  I'm willing to try.  Who's comin' with me?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

obstacle #1: Transmission

I'm listening to the sounds of cartoons and bubbles rustling around in the goldfish tank.  They have gotten to be so big.  I'm eating Charro beans I made yesterday.  Just a note: charro beans are the best leftovers ever.

I just got engaged and I couldn't be happier about it!  However, everything else seems to be falling apart.  I mean literally falling apart.  My Toyota has been on the fritz, my fiancé is now going to receive $400 less each month, I'm living off of food stamps and my job stinks!  I need a new one but I can't think of anything that can fit my schedule!  School, work, 8 year old son, 2 step children.... this is not getting any easier.  I need to step it up.  Any suggestions?

Real job.  I have to be a real grownup.  How strange to be 25 years old and to say, 'come on Babs! time go grow up now.'  Am I afraid to take a leap?  Am I worried about what may happen if I fail?  When I was young everything was easier because I was the best at everything I did.  I was the top in choir and drama, and the most creative in journalism, one of the best writers in my class, I received mathematical recognition senior year....blah blah blah, the list goes on.

Now I feel very small and I am holding back so much.  I have a lot to offer.  Well....

my fiancé is fixing the transmission on the car right now, so that's a start right?