Progress.... Maybe not

So I seem to think that my relationship is being pulled apart at the seams. Jeff seems to be pushing me away when there is something real presented to us and then he wants to be close when I bite my tongue or when there is nothing to be said.  He seems very happy to be sitting still but when there is chance for us to progress to anything better he stops it in its tracks.

He leaves, goes out and doesn't come home.  That's become his "thing" lately.  How sad and terrible it feels to be wondering about what is going on.  He leaves when I don't have a phone to call him.  I lost my phone recently and now, knowing I can't call him, he bolts!  How wrong, to do something like that, to someone you say you love so much.  I feel like he's going through a mini-mid-life-crisis.  I don't know.  But I'm going out today for shopping and I'm going to hang out with some friends and keep my mind clear of him, just for the day.

Well, I'm eating well, and I've been jogging out in the cold.  The cold is totally not my bag, baby.  I'm paying my surcharges today online, getting a new phone, paying Planet Fitness so I don't have to jog in the cold anymore, and buying some clothes for the kids.  After that, I'm having a drink somewhere.  Big day, today.

I better get started.

Not the end of the world

I've had a hectic and sad last few days.  It's been really hard.  When your relationship seems to be going strong and you hit a bump so hard it can take two weeks to fix.

I'm still angry about what happened on New Year's.  I was left alone and it was really heart wrenching.  But my friends all wanted to save me and a few did.  It was an amazing sight, really; to see how many people cared about me.  I had fun this weekend, however, coming home and facing reality of the situation was really hard.  I did it, and it sucked, and of course, I cried.  It's days later and it's been awkward and I'm still angry and saddened by the entire thing, but I'm not letting it get me completely down.

I'm almost done with my book, Comes A Horseman and it's fantastic.  It's keeping me busy and my brain is occupied.  Work has been extremely slow but it just gives me more time to read.  I've been cussing.  Definitely, so that's a downer, but I have plenty of time to get better.  I haven't weighed myself so don't know if I've slimmed down, but I'm eating well.  I'm not concerned about a wedding date or anything like that.

Soon I'll have my financial aid money and I'll recieve my tax return soon, as well, so I'll put the proper amount of money aside to save and spend the rest on getting myself together.

Now, what's for dinner?

What a difference a day makes

24 little hours. 

However, it was substantially less than 24 hours that passed since my latest blog and I feel like what I wanted can't be. 

Glass Of Wine

A glass of wine and a getting into a really fantastic part of my book is a wonderful way to spend my nights.  It's really quite the sight to see my step-son and myself, together on the couch reading and listening to Sviatoslav Richter.  Reagan has already gone to bed and my son Aiden Phoenix is, sadly, in McAllen.  He shall return, as glorious as ever! by Monday so he can be ready for school on Tuesday.

They're already going back to school!  It's only been about two weeks.  I remember being out for Winter break for three weeks or more.  Well, I don't have classes till the 18th.  I can't wait!

Off to finish a few more chapters and then the Sandman will take me away for the night.

Tomorrow is payday.  Another glorious thing to look forward to.

First day

From yesterday to today, I haven't noticed myself saying any cuss words! At least, I didn't today.  I read at least, 8 chapters of Comes a Horseman, I'm almost done writing a story for my magazine's first issue in February.  February is when I want the first issue out online.  Even if it's terrible!  Even if it looks completely mediocre, I want some progress.  I want to lay it out, then move on and improve.

It's going to happen.  I already looked at online sites where I can register my domain name and business email, and it's fairly inexpensive.  I read into advertisement agencies that work with new or old sites, and so there would be a big way to make a little profit.

It's going to be grand.  I just know it!

Weight: same
Reading: underway
Website: to be continued
exercise today?: no... not today.

However, I'm going to start my normal 5 day a week run and workout routine as soon as I can pay Planet Fitness what I owe them.  Then it will be easy, like it was before.  I'll drop my son off at school and head straight to the gym.   This feeling of getting somewhere.... I really hope it lasts.

We, as adults, tend to forget a good feeling when we need it the most; to push us towards where we need to be.  It's easier for us to work hard at blocking out those things that bother us, whether it be experiences in the past, current financial issues, relationship issues....  you name it.  We find a way to sabotage ourselves, don't we?  Why is that?  We are often brought down by other people we surround ourselves with.  We all have had that jealous friend, or that treacherous ex, and we've all felt the stinging pain of heartbreak, solitude, distress and detachment.  Why would we fail ourselves when every new year we have a chance at a new beginning, with a feeling of excitement that can give us the strength to do somersaults and climb mountains?

I have this feeling in my gut; in my heart.  I am excited to be me!  I hope that this feeling trails with me and helps me push myself to getting through this year accomplished and enchanted.  When it leaves, there seems to be a stygian hue left that just brings me down.  I'm really hoping.

New year and a new plan

So it has begun... the time for resolutions!  I'm ready.  Starting today this blog is no longer just a spot for me to whine and pine about family and lack of funds for just about everything.  Today this blog is a countdown to next Christmas and a progress report of all that I wish to accomplish this year.  What better way to throw it in my own face?  yay?  I think.

Oh! Come on, Jax!  I can do this.  Every year I make excuses as to why I can't follow through or why I should focus on something or someone else.  This is going to be the year where I make a full step towards who I'm going to be when I "grow up."  It's time to grow up.

Next December, I hope to have....NO! I will have my magazine online, and making money.  I will weigh at least 20lbs less, I will continue to be active at least 5 days a week, I will stop cussing so much and I will already have a date for my wedding.  Okay, okay... let's bullet this.

You know it's serious when bullets are involved.

My resolutions/promises/goals/must-have for 2011:

• Magazine will be online, running, with fans and will have be making an income
• I will weigh at least 140lbs (I currently weigh 162lbs.)
• I will have an exercise routine that I follow through with at least 5 days a week
• I will cuss less
• There will be a set date for the wedding
• I will wake up by 6am, Mon-Friday
• I will read at least 1 book/month
• Jeffery and I will live in a house....not a duplex/townhouse/apt or other
• I will have at least $3,000 saved 
• I will have a bank account for Azure Austin and/or Geek Chic Productions

This seems like too much... but it's not.  Really, if you think about it I'm on the brink of most all of this.  I was already working out 5 days a week only months ago.  Cussing less should be a must around the babes in my house.  Setting a date for the wedding would come with having some money put away for such an event.  Waking up at 6am should be easy.  The kids have school and I'll have to discipline myself to sleep at a reasonable time and moving into a house that we rent, shouldn't be a big deal either.  Our lease is up in March so we need to find a bigger place anyhow.  Having a bank account for my companies should be easy after I get the magazine online.  Lastly, reading a book a month should already be a priority.  I used to be an avid reader and I've become lazy.  No more time to be lazy.  

So there it is.  As of today this is the blog that will help me become a better and more successful person.  I need a positive attitude.  I need support and love and I need to find ways to manage stress that don't involve being depressed and watching movies on the couch for hours on end.  If I were to be more active then it would make it so much easier for me to get up and go when I need to.  

I once had the drive to do anything.  My spirit was so broken for so long.  I'm ready to be better now.  I'm ready to be a better partner to Jeff, better mother to the kids, a better student, and overall a better human being.  I am ready to prove to myself that I deserve all the things I dream of.  It's time to prove that all those dreams can be a reality.  It's going to be hard work.  I've thrown myself into so many terrible habits, but as the days pass by I believe it can only get better.  

If you want to do this with me then let me know.  We can partner up, blog to blog.  Everyone could use a little support.

Christmas over, New Year's to come

Well, the potluck was a success!  It was a really great time and it was a reminder of how many great friends I have, and how wonderfully blessed I am to have Jeffery and my kids.

I was, however, starting to feel sick the days before Christmas day and now, of course, with all the drinking I did I am full-on-sick.  Feeling feverish, sneezing, coughing up an ample amount of disgusting mucus which feels more like fungus growing in my upper chest..... well.... life is good, eh?

I'll be fine.  I had to call in today, and I followed that by laying the on the couch ALL DAY.  Really, I felt that terrible.  I sunk into the couch the way that Ewan McGregor's character in Trainspotting sunk into the floor on that wannabe vintage rug.  I wasn't on drugs, of course, but I felt like my head was detached from my body.  I curled up, contently, wrapped myself in a brand new scarf from Delia's that Jasmine lovingly gave me for Christmas and I fell in and out of sleep until about 2 hours ago.  My body is aching, head is aching, I'm hot then I'm freezing cold... I really couldn't bring myself to get to work.  I just couldn't.  I can hardly speak, as well.  Hurting all over.  I want to take a bath but I can't even bring myself to do that.

::sigh::

Well, overall life is good.  I'm blessed and I will wake up feeling better soon enough.

And even though my life is one to appreciate, there have been some disappointing and upsetting bumps lately.  So much about life is that way, but I try my best to see the rest; to see all the things that I could so easily pass by and fail to recognize or appreciate.  I hope it's enough to sail me through this next year.